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| | After All, He Was Not Only a Pet
Whether it is an older animal whom you have had longer than most of your friends
or a younger pet who has been with you for only a few years, the loss of that
presence can be
truly traumatic. The sudden loss or the somewhat expected decision for
euthanasia involve not only a basic sense of "never there again" but also a
number of other emotions which become intractably entangled with the basic
emotions of loss and being alone. Guilt is the most difficult of these but
fortunately tends likewise to be brief. The pain of loss is the same
for all. You may think it is different but everyone feels that huge void
in much the same way. The stages of
grief are well documented: denial, anger,etc. We all experience the
same pattern. The difference between individuals is in the intensity and
duration of the basic sense of loss. This is where we all differ.
With time everyone will realize that it is not their own or anyone else's'
fault. We did not do anything wrong. We only loved an entity that
happened to have a lifespan a fraction of your own. "We who choose to
surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, live within a
fragile circle, easily and often breached. Unable to accept its awful
gaps, we still would live no other way. We cherish memory as the only certain
immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan." (Irving Townsend).
Because their natural life-spans are shorter than ours, we usually outlive
our pets. Our lives thus have the capacity to know a number of these
special souls. We become enriched and touched by each when lived. The life you shared cannot simply be abandoned. Don't deny
yourself the thoughts, memories, and feelings that your pet's life deserves.
Know that you have been blessed and enriched. "'Tis better to have loved
and lost than never to have loved at all (Alfred Lord Tennyson).
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SURVIVING PET LOSS
When you face that
huge emptiness inside, it's tempting to just give yourself over to
grief. At the same time, a certain amount of survival instinct reminds
you that you still need to do something to keep going. But what? Grief
makes it hard to think, to plan. What can you do to keep that hole from
swallowing you?
1. Eat something.
You may not feel hungry, but food is important. Grief burns a lot of
energy; you need fuel. If you can't face a full meal, nibble. Eat NOW,
whether you want to or not.
2. Cry. Cry as much
as you want to, whenever you feel like it.
3. Find something
to do. This may seem trite, but focusing on a task really does help.
The more you do, the less you dwell...
4. Count your
blessings. When you lose a loved one, it's hard to focus on anything
positive. Remind yourself of some of the good things that you still have
by deliberately reviewing a list of your "blessings" - such as your
family, your remaining pets, your friends, your interests.
5. Reflect on
things that don't involve your pet. The loss of your pet may seem to
touch every aspect of your life, but in reality, it hasn't changed
EVERYTHING. Reflect on things that have not changed -- the things that
you did and enjoyed without your pet.
6. Cuddle something
furry. If you have another pet, give it some extra cuddle time - even
though part of your mind is thinking that this isn't the pet you WANT to
cuddle. It's still warm, and furry, and may be very confused and
concerned right now. If you don't have another pet, consider cuddling a
stuffed animal. Spouses are nice, but you need fur. It sounds strange
but at least try it.
7. Avoid
irrevocable decisions. Don't do anything you can't undo. For example, if
you can't stand the sight of your pet's toys, don't throw them away -
put them in a box out of sight.
8. Replace negative
imagery. The last moments of your pet's life can become a powerful
image, whether you witnessed them or not. If you believe that pets go on
to an afterlife, for example, try replacing the image of the "last"
moment of your pet's life with the "next" moment: The moment it
arrives, healthy and whole, on the other side. If you don't believe in
an afterlife, concentrate on the special things you did for your pet to
make THIS life a blessing for it.
9. Be honest with
yourself. You've been wounded, and you hurt. You're not weak, crazy, or
overly sentimental to feel this way. You WILL hurt, and it will take
time to heal.
10. Make a decision
to work through grief. For some people grief has persisted for years:
They are just as upset, just as angry, just as miserable over their loss
as they were the day it happened. Such people tend to be consumed with
bitterness, obsessing over their loss - and not only do they suffer, but
they also bring suffering to everyone around them. You can't control
whether or not you grieve. But you can decide whether or not to let
that grief control YOU.
Lastly, be sad for those who lives will never be touched by such a
wonderful creature. They may never know this feeling. You may not feel
like it now, but it is a blessing and you have gained spiritually from
it.
Cherish the memories with a warm smile. Smile because you know that
pets always feel what you do...make them happy to know you are well.
(I am not sure who originally wrote this but I have given this to many
of my clients who have lost a pet and have been thanked for it
afterwards regularly. Though I did modify it a bit, kudos to the
original author! Dr.C)
Grief upon the loss of a pet is a normal response, and a very
individual one. For some people, grieving for a pet who has died may
be an even more difficult process than grieving for a human loved
one. One reason is that the support network of understanding and
caring people may be smaller. If a person has lost a human loved
one, the friends, family, co-workers, etc., will all be
understanding. They may send cards, flowers, and offer food and
companionship. This is often not the case when a pet dies.
The death of a
pet is difficult enough to bear; in some cases, the whereabouts or
cause of death of the pet is unknown. The pet may have run away or
been stolen, or, the owner may have needed to surrender the pet to a
humane shelter. In these situations, there is seldom any 'closure.'
The owner does not know when or if the pet has died, or if lost,
whether the pet will ever come back. As a result, when to stop
searching and when to start the grieving process are unsure. There
may also be additional guilt associated with this type of loss.
Doing something positive during this time of sadness may help the
grieving process by celebrating the life of the pet. Activities
which may help include:
 | Planting flowers or a tree in memory of the pet |
| Making a charitable donation or volunteering your time at a
local shelter |
| Holding a funeral or memorial service |
| Placing your pet's nametag on your key ring |
| Creating a memorial photo album or scrap book |
| Framing a photograph |
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Do Animals Grieve?
We all know of animals who have stopped
eating, playing, or interacting when another pet in the
household has died. They are experiencing a loss of their own;
plus they often sense the owner's sorrow as well. After a pet
dies, we can help the other pets in the household by keeping
their routines as unchanged as possible. Increasing their
activity through going for walks or playing with toys may be
helpful. This will not only benefit your pet, but help you too.
If they are acting depressed or are not eating, be careful not
to reinforce or reward their behavior. Giving them extra
attention or different food when they behave this way may
actually cause them to start using those behaviors as ways to
obtain more attention or get special treats. |
Should I get another pet?
When or if you should get another pet varies with the individual and
the choice is a personal one. Some people may want to find a new pet
almost immediately. Sometimes, they may have unrealistic
expectations of the new pet, especially if they are getting a young,
rambunctious animal after an older, mature one has died. Others need
longer to work through their grief before they are physically and
emotionally ready for another pet. In either case, we all know you
are not replacing your pet, but finding another animal with whom you
can share life. Some people may find it is just not possible for
them to have another pet. You need to do what is right for you. In
general, you should give children some time before getting another
pet. Getting a pet too soon may cause the child to feel guilty or
disloyal, and they may have difficulty bonding to the new pet. The
child may also think that if something happened to them, they would
soon be forgotten and a substitute would be found. They need to
understand that friendships cannot immediately be replaced.
People who have a pet who has died need to talk to someone.
Often, family members and friends are very supportive, but in some
instances, they may not understand how important your pet was to
you. It is important to find someone who does understand.
What do I do with my
pet's ashes?
Most pet crematories take every precaution to ensure that the
cremains you receive back are from your pet. Amounts, color and
consistency will vary as there are differences in the type of equipment
and methods available.
Cremains are considered to be the earth part of the spirit. It is
what belongs in the physical world. Keeping the cremains is a means of
keeping the memory as physical as possible while the spirit is free.
There are indeed many options for what one can do with ashes from a
beloved pet:
Spread them in a favorite spot in the yard.
Bury them with a memorial tree (well diluted with topsoil as ash is
very alkaline and has a high salt content.)
Set them free on a bridge over a favorite river or pier at a beach.
Separate small amounts and gift them in keepsakes or jewelry to
family members.
Store them to be buried or re-cremated with the owner.
Hold them for dispersal when you feel ready.
Mix them with cement and make something which will last several
hundred years.
Communal cremation is when multiple pets are simultaneously cremated
and their ashes disposed of on private cemetery grounds or taken to a
local landfill. Some services offer burial at sea for no additional
charge.
A private cremation is when 2, 3, or maybe 4 pets are cremated at the
same time, but are physically separated by space or cremation bricks.
The pets ashes are then removed from the crematory in reverse order to
retain the integrity of the private cremation. The cremains are then
generally processed in a commercial blender to attain a fine ash
consistency and eliminate visible bone fragments. Private cremations
reduce the cost associated with “Individual” cremations described below.
Individual cremation is one pet in one cremation unit at a time.
Pure and simple, it is what most pet owners expect. Be sure to ask
your provider for what type of service you are receiving. You deserve
to know how your pet’s cremation will be performed before the decision
is made.
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forever on my soul...